Hi guys.
Please let this space remain safe for me to vent and rant a bit.
I am trying my best to be happy.
I have brought a lot of nice things for myself.
I am trying to fill the free time I have by blogging, a activity I have been doing since I was a teenager, maybe even younger.
I am trying really fucking hard to be happy.
Even if I keep getting treated unfairly, I will never stop trying to care and tend to myself.
After all, the first lover you have is yourself.
I'm not sure what to really do anymore, though.
This isn't quitter talk, but I just feel so frustrated and absolutely done right now.
*sigh*
Here's what I said on my Bsky. Believe what you want.
I had enough of drama for one year. Just like what my friend had said before he passed, enough is enough. It's not like I'm not willing to talk to anyone if drama does happen, but I am sick of willing to talk to other people and then they just straight up ignore me. I had it.
— alice520 (@dizzyalice.bsky.social) November 30, 2025 at 9:06 AM
I need to watch some Jewelpets.. but I truly feel like I was sent to a alternative dimension just for a week (what type of hellish vacation is this?) where I'm treated like some type of fucking dog toy by the gods of the universe.
:)
:))
My theme song right now. I love mushi-p's music.
Hi there.
I discovered a abandoned YouTube channel from the 2010's that kind of did focus on kawaii things, even if the creator of the Youtube channel says that she doesn't really see her channel as a Kawaii one.
I tend to nickname these type of content creators as "KawaiiTubers".
I'm trying not to cry right now because when I checked her music playlist, the song "Making Plans for Nigel" by XTC was in it.
That pleasantly surprised me. The story behind this song for me is that I had a online friend who showed me this song along with many more songs in 2017-2018.
I wasn't expecting to be kicked with nostalgia.
I stopped talking to that friend a few months ago after the 10th anniversary of our time being friends together rolled up. I'm sure by this time now, we would've been friends for 11 years. He told me to do what was best in our second to last conversation after something scary had happened to me personally related to the group, and that led to the end of our communications.
J., if you are somehow reading this now, I only wish you the best, and there was no hard feelings behind the decision of me ceasing to talk to you. Please be well, and happy, just like how I hoped for you in our final message.
As for the youtuber, here's one of her videos.
Even though I turned 20 years old, this month has been somewhat of a nightmare, I have to admit. I am trying my best to cope and go forward with my hopeful future despite all the pain and wanting to run away or give up.
That's why I also created this blog instead of letting things collect dust as I reminsicence on life.
Looking back at the Youtuber, you might be thinking, "wow, this is so old, who really cares about this?"
I mean, I care about it. I think I'm rather sensitive to watching kawaii-era things from when I was still a kid because I wish I was exposed to that world much more eariler than in middle school and early high school, because that would've helped me become a more optimistic person. For instance, I did like Ojamajo Doremi when I was 12-13 years old but I couldn't suppress this feeling that I could've possibly been happier watching it at a much younger age.
I can still enjoy these animes, but during those times in my childhood I was obsessed with the Powerpuff Girls and PPGZ and never came across Ojamajo Doremi until much later in my life. Not saying that those shows are bad but I would've deeply appreciated the variety. I truly feel like I was living in 2002 or something in the 2010's or something, lacking a awareness of newer shows. I really liked Sailor Moon but I couldn't really find a way to watch it except old forgotten AMV's as well.
It's okay, now, though. It's just a bit difficult for me to watch kawaii-like content from that era because the feeling of YAMO (You Already Missed Out) spikes.
Anyways, I hope this youtuber is doing well in life, wherever she may be.
Hii
I have to admit I am trying my best to maintain a upbeat feeling as I write, nearly everyday.
I have lost two friend groups in a time span of two months, maybe even three if I count one that I willingly left,
and I'm just trying to cope by learning how to be okay with being alone with myself.
Those friend groups were a safe place for me for many reasons. I guess it's time for something better to come, because settling will ruin your life.
Anyways, this morning I am watching old television bumpers, specifically Boomerang and Boomeraction videos.
I do it not only for the nostalgia and comfort, but because it prompts me to think, a bit.
It makes me miss how in the 2000's, a lot of people believed that they were living in the pinnacle of technological success and advances.
Maybe they felt like, "this is it!" and it was a enjoyable time and energy for what it was worth, and how long it remained.
It felt like the 2010s had a calm and reasonable baseline following the 2000s.
Speaking of Boomeraction, I guess I feel a sense of relief because I saw a PPG bumper thrown in there, and that made me feel like that show can be a enjoyable distraction to the emotional turnmoil I'm going through right now. The only issue is that I made it my life's journey to watch like... the entirety of the whole series MULTIPLE TIMES in 2011-2013, so I kinda know what's going to happen for the most part. T u T)
With that being said, I could possibly watch PPGZ too.. but I can actually feel very fatigued when I watch too much anime in one sitting (Haruhi Suzumiya was a exception) so I need to be careful about that.
I hope I can watch the original PPG soon.. even if the team couldn't admit that they scrapped the Powerpunk Girls episode in favor for silly and meaningless filler episodes.. I don't know what's worse, the entirety of PPG (2016) or those episodes.. but I digress.
Hi.
I started a new anime today: Amagami SS.
I know most if not practically every person my age nowadays is preoccupied with the newest anime releases,
but I can't help but become fascinated by the older works, where people maybe my age back then (in the mid-late 2000's or so) were watching.
The world was ever so slightly different back then, but there's still a lot of new terrain.
It seems I keep getting reminded that we only live in one world.
I feel neutral at best about this anime SO FAR (I only watched the first episode).
I'm not sure how I discovered this one, I saw it in my anime tracking list profile as "planned" and sought out to watch it.
It's easy to feel close minded to a anime like this, but the intro (opening) and outro (ending) song gave me life.
I was close to removing it from my anime tracking list altogether until I saw a review that made me think twice.
It was only the title, but it prompted me to give it a try.
Hopefully watching this can distract me from the holiday blues of sickness and other stressful things life has thrown at me.
Thanks for reading this.
Ciao for now.
Hi.
I got a plushie of Labra, my favorite Jewelpet character.
It would be interesting if there were dolls made of characters like Airi and such..
but this plushie is huge! It would be the same height as a hypothetical doll.
The seller was kind to me, and she even gave me a extra piece of Jewelpet-themed stationary, which was really cool.
I also got the t-shirt as earlier mentioned, along with a free button and a pack of pokemon cards.
Really cool!
So yeah.
I probably won't be typing too much today due to having to do some homework, but,
I was able to finish Jewelpet Attack Chance today, which was very entertaining for what it was worth.
Hii.
My new schoolbag came, so I put my photo card on it.
No pictures for my own safety. (This will be my daily bag)
Still miserably sick, but at least I got some gummy bears and dark chocolate!
Hi there.
Unfortunately, I admit that I am [physically] sick right now..
Head hurts like crazy, my throat really hurts, and I keep coughing very severely.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to come to class tomorrow, as I have a lot of responsibilities to do.
I hope I'll be okay by the time tomorrow comes.
I feel as though I am walking on a tight rope through life.
I finally realize that I have something to live for, so I have to continue to protect my happiness and life to the best of my ability. π«‘
I wanted to type about something that has been on my mind for a while.
This doesn't make me necessarily happy, but neutral at best.
One of my favorite J-pop stars (besides Yukiko Okada) had screenings in both LA and NYC.
I feel disappointed by this because when I was in high school, the videos shared at the screening were extremely rare to come by and it took a lot of digging online to find it and enjoy those videos.
Now, "hyper"fans and casual fans alike could watch all of those rare videos I looked up for hours for in a short screening for some $$.
Don't get me wrong, I am a little happy that she is becoming relevant again, but I also feel disappointed because we don't have any new music for over 10-20 years, and we are receiving random collabs instead.
I think this is upsetting to me because it's so easy to be possessive of things that I enjoy.
When you don't have much of a safe place physically, it's easy to latch onto things that do make us feel safe, understood and idealistic.
So really, in truth, I am angry about all of this, because I wish that instead of re-hashing the same old videos and concerts, that die-hard tommy february6 fans tried to support her since the very beginning with, they would actually give us new music.
It feels like they are playing around with the importance of tommy february6's musical presence, and it doesn't feel fair..
I only wish the best for her and her team, though.
It's not like I can be a gatekeeper to everything, especially because tommy february6 and her team made that choice.
I just feel disappointed, and I also feel hurt because it feels like people who are not as passionate as me are receiving opportunities to enjoy a literal once-in-a-lifetime experience with one of my favorite J-pop stars of all time rather than the really passionate fans getting a seat (such as myself). It's not like I was lazy and procastinated on getting a seat, I was trying to plan it out and before I knew it - it was all sold out..
It's easy to feel stressed over this in my opinion, but it's fine. It's also easy to feel uncomfortable when a new population of fans who never cared about her in the first place suddenly cross their heart and claim that they're the biggest fan in the world, just because it's possibly trendy or something..
I guess this micro-rant has ended.
I am willing to hear a discussion about this but if you're just going to try and be a invalidating jerk to me, heck off actually.
I'm not sure what to do with myself, tbh.. I have been eating ice cream to soothe my throat along with some honey cough drops.
I'll see you around?
Currently eating some ramen noodles with one of my favorite drinks ever, seltzer water ^o^
For some reason it made my brain feel more physically conscious? (the seltzer water).
It is the perfect substitue for soda in my opinion, and Polar seltzer water is waaayy better than ginger ale's seltzer water..
The house sauce that came with the ramen tastes like a heavy blend of eel sauce and soy sauce.
It's admittedly not the best tasting thing in the world, but it'll do for a hungry stomach.
I've been meaning to watch some anime recently, even my mother is watching the Pokemon anime right now as you read this..!
I have to do some things though, so I'll try to take care of that first before I start watching anime.
(Finally, I live up to the title of my website LOL)
That's all for now, cheers.
Hello!
I was fortunate enough to receive My Sweet Piano in the mail.
Here's how she looks with both of the outfits I got her!!
What do you all think?!
As soon as I unboxed her, I felt really pleased, happier and relaxed. It might've been the Sugar Cookie scent, though..
I don't want her to leave behind some of her friends from the workshop, so I definitely see myself building more bears in the future!!
Here's a video of the song inside of her too!
Got my sweet piano!! I named her Elise!! This really cheered me up after having a crummy day! (γοΌΎΟοΌΎ)
— alice520 (@dizzyalice.bsky.social) November 22, 2025 at 1:49 PM
[image or embed]
Upcoming TW for mentions of suicide:
The song choice is a tribute to my friend, J. who commited suicide. He loved Evangelion dearly, and I hope this song can serve as a reminder of him.
That's all I have for now.
I currently feel blessed that I own this.
I can't wait to full in the birth certificate and hang it up!!
Ciao, now!
I was able to create a Yukiko Okada photo card and display it in my My Melody photocard holder!
It's really cute and I'm happy to have owned this!!
I also got a extra birthday gift as well!!
Hai everyone.
Unfortunately my build-a-bear did not come in the mail yet, but I am trying to be patient!
As written before, this is the first time I ever received a personal build-a-bear.
I am trying to problem solve some problems with my UTAUloid character so she can sing properly. :c
Even though some insensitive and frustrating things have happened to me recently, I think I'll be okay if I can just continue to focus on myself..
So like, I would love to cultivate a safe place for people like me who have a deep and invested interest in retro, vintage things from the 90s-2000's online, but what makes me feel uncomfortable is the threat and possibility of people copying me.
This has unfortunately happened before and it made me feel invalidated, especially because that copy got more attention than my original work that I spent weeks to create..
Not to mention meaningless internet drama as well that led to me having to private my videos...
I know that I'm not alone in having to give up a piece of my dreams, but I guess this is the early stage of me being a dreamer and conceptualizer..
(I hope that's a word o-o)
I need to think more deeply on what I can do and create to cultivate this safe place for like-minded people.
I want to create not only UTAU covers and songs, but other type of content as well.
I don't know how I'm going to juggle both my school club and homework assignments along with being a content creator, but I'll find a way~
That's it for now. I hope all the problems of my UTAU can be remedied soon..
The clothes came for my character first before the plushie came!!
Although, I ordered these from eBay, not the Build-a-Bear workshop.
It reminds me of Gyaru clothing and Ayumi Hamasaki.. don't you think so? π
*Boys & Girls by Ayumi Hamasaki Plays*
I'm not really interested in being a Gyaru at all though, personally. I just found the tiny crown symbol on the hoodie was cute.
This is a vintage set of clothes, from the 2000's, apparently! #Exciting
I also forgot to report that I had scrambled eggs too, one of my favorite foods!
Hi there!
Yesterday was a pretty good day for my first full day on this earth being 20 years old ~
I am making a anime club at my college, and I finally got a staff member to advise my club!
This means it can finally become a reality after weeks of trial and error!
Also, to spoil the surprise of the Build-a-bear I was talking about on my birthday, I managed to put a Evangelion song in it!
It looks like it was approved. I'm so glad π
I want to make a video showcasing the plushie soon when it arrives, so stay tuned for that !!
I also want to announce this!
I will be making a return to using UTAU/vocal synthesizer software!
..Yup, I bet you didn't know that I was a musical artist!
I am only a beginner though and see it as a hobby to pass the time.
I can get really passionate about some songs, though.
I feel nervous because some people in the community haven't treated me with a lot of reception, historically.
So you might think, "Oh, if I was you, I would've gave up already."
What can I say? The hope for a supportive community and friends alongside something I'm passionate with keeps me going.
My parents brought me Synth V sometime last year and while it's quite a lot of fun, I need to learn how to tune.
I also want to show you this!
Haruka Pegasunya γ§γοΌ
She is my first furry UTAULOID and UTAULOID in general that I see myself actually being able to complete in the near future!
More information will be shared soon!
DONUT steal mai utau..
I think that's it for now!
I may share my finished covers and other voice synthesizer work here!
Yaay~
P.S. Yes, Haruka is wearing Precure headphones! I may change this in a future redesign!
I return after a long day of trial-and-error trying to make my winged-catgirl sing.
It's not easy, especially with a Macbook.
The voicebank is recorded completely, though. It's really just adjusting the configuration.
I can't wait to share the cover(s) I can create with them.
On another note, I really need to get a Windows laptop just for music...
Hii
It turns out today is my 20th birthday!
I hope to update this entry soon with what I did today. ^-^
Hello everyone, the birthday girl is back~
I'm really excited to share with you all what I got for my 20th!! ^-^
I'm so grateful to be able to get so many gifts and things to eat. My friend never tried sushi so I think I will try to save some for her to try, I hope she doesn't get a allergic reaction, though..
I am looking forward to next year's birthday as well, but let's see what this new age has in store for me!!
I also never got the experience of going to a Build-a-bear in person, especially in my childhood so purchasing that and building it online was very comforting and healing to me.
I admit that I do have trauma but I am more than willing to work through it and heal.
I'll just be a homebody for today.. plus, I have to go to class tomorrow.. if you can believe it. π΅βπ«
Hi everyone.
I tried to draw yet another galaxy for this website, but I wasn't satsified with how it looked as a background here.
Even though the process was somewhat fun, I think I will give illustrating galaxies a rest for now.
My friend asked me to draw a galaxy for them, too, but I think I will try to draw it once I have more energy.
Even though I am admittedly frustrated with my process of drawing galaxies, someone close to me said that I don't give up, so this experience was sort of a nice reminder..
That's it for now!!
I was listening to this song recently. I really love this song!!
All of the girls look really cool and beautiful performing this on stage.
If only more performances from this concert was on Youtube.. especially in such good quality!
Hi there. My name is Alice, and I am currently 19 years old, although I will be turning 20 in three days. It's nice to meet everyone here.
I decided to create a blog focused on my efforts on becoming more happy, cultivated from focusing on myself instead of others that are admittedly not worth any of my precious time.
My ethnicity is Black and Native American. I suppose I can introduce myself with a picture of me as well.
Expect reading about stuff that brought joy to my miserable days. x)
Something that made me happy recently is that I was able to draw this galaxy, when trying to create a original background image for this website.
I hope that it's cool to you!